Out Guilting Sister Annunciata

Mama was always overprotective of me as a child. When I became her caregiver, I was the overprotective one.

I remember an incident that is typical of our relationship that took place while I was in grade school. We lived very close to the Catholic school I attended and I'd come home for lunch everyday.

One day I didn't come home and my mother went to the school to track me down. The principal told Mama that I must still be in the classroom. Mama madly marched up to my classroom. She was relieved to see me (of course she thought the worst) and was furious with the nun, Sister Annunciata. She demanded to know what had happened and why I was sitting in the classroom when I should be home eating lunch.

The nun said that some students were talking during class. When she asked the class who was talking I was the only one to raise my hand and tell the truth. My punishment was to stay in the classroom during lunchtime. This did not sit well with Mama... and she started her rant.

Sister Annunciata, you mean to tell me that since my son was the only one to tell the truth and not lie, you punish him by not sending him home to eat his lunch? You know how much he loves his food! And you punished me, scaring me half to death making me think my son died. Vincent, from now on you NEVER tell the truth, you LIE if you have to. If this is what telling the truth gets ya, it's a lot of baloney. Come home with me now, you're going to eat your lunch. And Sister, he may get back to school a little late. (Oh boy Mama was something - just like a pitbull, she didn't let go and really worked herself up). 

The nun tried calming Mama down saying that it isn't good to lie. She apologized for not calling to make Mama aware of the situation. Mama ignored the nun and won this round of Italian Catholic guilt. And I had a fabulous lunch taking my time eating, not rushing back and realizing that Mama out guilted the nun.

Mama has always been Mama Drama and has passed the genes onto me. In Mama's last few years there have been many times I behaved the same way to the doctors and nurses like Mama did to the nun. There's a little Mama Drama in all of us and it just goes to show you... somethings never change.

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Dementia Mama Never Forgot 9/11

I'm reposting this in memory of Mama and the anniversary of 9/11.

Even as a child I never lied to Mama. Okay maybe during the teenage years when I stayed out past my curfew or answered "no, I haven't been drinking." I've always told it like it was to both my parents... even after Mama was diagnosed with Dementia over ten years ago. When problems were going on in my life, when family members died or when something bad happened, I told Mama the truth. That's the way I did it.

9/11 was no different... I felt Mama had to be aware of the tragedy. It didn't matter on what level she'd get it, I thought it was important for her to know. After all she'd be seeing it on TV and in the papers. We lived downtown in NYC and The World Trade Center was not far from us and her Nursing Home. In the first few days we weren't even allowed to cross certain streets without showing ID's - that's how close we were.

On that horrendous morning right after the towers were hit, I ran over to get Mama. I wheeled her into the middle of the empty street so she could see and hear what was going on all around us. We were able to see the flames at the top of the burning buildings. She didn't seem that interested, she just wanted to eat pancakes, but the fact was that we were there together! We'd make our daily visits to the West Side Highway by the Hudson River to watch recovery workers head downtown as we joined the crowds cheering them on.

On the anniversary of September 11th, I'd ask Mama what she remembered about the day. Her answers varied, but usually she'd remember the flames, people walking in the empty streets with no cars. It's odd how certain things remained in her mind - even with Dementia. It brings new meaning to the slogan "Never Forget".

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Do You Have My Number?

The phone rings earlier than usual. It's the nursing home calling and I start to think the worst. What's going on this time? Is everything alright? My heart starts to race as I take a few deep breaths, pick up the phone and say hello...

Mama: Hello, Vincent.

Vin: Hello, Mama. Are you alright?

Mama: Oh yeah, I'm fine. Do you have my phone number? I called because I wanna make sure you have my number.

Vin: Yes, of course I have your number. It's the same number you've had, it hasn't changed.

Mama: Okay, and you know where I am don't you? I'm at the hospital.

Vin: Of course I know where you are.

Mama: Will I be seeing you later?

Vin: Of course, Mama. I'll be seeing you after your dinner just like I do every night.

Mama: Well then, be careful coming over and watch the street when you cross. Oh, here comes the food, I gotta go! I gotta eat dinner now... I'm starving, I hope it's something good tonight. They serve a lot of crap in this place, oh good it looks like spaghetti. Bye bye dear.

I never know what's coming next whenever the phone rings and that's why I never shut my phone off. It's another part of our roller coaster ride that takes us up and then swoops us back down. It can make us cry and sometimes it just makes us all laugh. That's our daily dose of Dementia.

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Returning to Mama's Nursing Home... Something's Missing

My plan was to return to Mama's nursing home on the six month anniversary of her passing... it didn't happen! I've been putting off the visit for awhile and couldn't understand why I was unable to do it. I thought I'd given myself enough time.

Douglass and I wanted to spread some of her ashes at the nursing home since it was one of the few places we hadn't done it yet. Maybe it was the pressure of the final "letting go" or the panic attacks I felt on the sixth month anniversary, but I just couldn't do it. Once I realized that, I was somewhat relieved and felt less pressure. When the time was right, we would do it and not before.

Well, tonight we did it! We drove over with Mama's ashes while taking many deep breaths. We brought the camera and the iPad (just like in the old days) and wanted to keep a low profile. I wasn't sure if I was ready to deal with seeing anyone... baby steps please. Today was also meaningful for Douglass and me because we'd just submitted our script about Mama and tonight felt like the right time to return to the nursing home.

We drove up and parked in the familiar parking lot. The nursing home appeared the same... almost. Tonight it lacked even more life than I remember and there was even less energy. Like Mama would always say "this place is dead". The garden that Mama enjoyed and that we spent so many hours singing and playing cards seemed truly dead. Something was missing... I felt it was Mama's energy!

I spread some of her ashes around the garden that she loved so much during our nightly visits. Douglass and I thought about playing cards... but instead we sat in silence and took in the moment. Unexpectedly one of the head nurses saw us and came out to say hello. She was surprised and truly happy to see us. The night was very emotional, but we did it! We finally did it! Closure... party of two.

Mama was in the garden again even if it wasn't in technicolor and full of our laughter and singing. Our return brought back many memories and it was a big relief. Maybe this was our way of letting Mama know that the script was done and she was "ready for her close-up."

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Million Dollar Mama

Douglass: Anna what would you do if you won a million dollars from the lottery?

Mama: Oh boy... If I won a million dollars, I'd go to the Bahamas & lay on the beach in my bikini. Little Annie in her bikini, hahaha - whatta sight! (she starts laughing)

Mama & Her Bikini

Vin: What color bikini?

Mama: Just a plain purple bikini. I'd go right in the water, but I don't swim, so I wouldn't go too deep.

Douglass: What about Vin. Did he like to swim as a child?

Mama: Oh yeah, he always liked the water, he'd run into the water. I would tell him to take swimming lessons, I'd say why don't you learn how to swim? I said swim, swim, swim... but he never did.

Vin: You never said swim, swim, swim. You'd scream "Vincent get away from the water! Be careful you could drown". I remember you made me afraid of the water as a child. I was terrified! Now you say I should've taken swimming lessons?

Mama: Well Vincent, since when did you listen to your mother?


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Mama & Her "Sunny Side"

It feels so weird that I don't have to check in with Mama. Whenever I would be out of town, I would give my nightly call to check in & say goodnight. Often she would call back a few times forgetting that we already spoke.

The phone doesn't ring as much anymore & I miss that. But more importantly... I miss Mama. There are a ton of conflicting feelings as a result. It's freeing yet I feel guilty, lonely & sad all at the same time.

She was always there for me & knew when I wasn't having a good day. I could confide in her & she knew she hadda come thru as "Mama". She'd always make an attempt to make me smile & lighten up my mood. Mama would start singing some old song like "Keep Your Sunny Side Up". It was sweet & funny & magically made everything seem better.

If you  receive the blog through eMail you may be unable to view the above video, so here;s the YouTube link: http://youtu.be/JbswwSjX2XA

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Mama Loved Her Rainbow Parade

Douglass & I are back "home" in NYC for a visit. It's Gay Pride & we pass by the nursing home where Mama lived before we all moved to California. We remember how much Mama loved her "Rainbow Parade."

It didn't matter to Mama about Gay, Straight or whatever (she was definitely ahead of her time). She just loved the fact that she was able to sit on the bench outside of the nursing home & be entertained all day long. She enjoyed the parade & those that passed by gave Mama some extra attention because she was having so much fun. She'd recall the time when a bunch of men dressed as nurses sat with her on her bench & kept her laughing until she wet herself! 

Not too much phased Mama - we were ALL the same to her. One year during Pride we took Mama to a lesbian restaurant for brunch that was nearby. After we got seated & started eating, Douglass asked her if she knew that she was eating at a famous lesbian hangout... her response was "it's all the same shit. Who gives a damn? I love the french toast here". 

As Pride unfolds all around us this year & DOMA is repealed, we remember the fun times with "Anna with a Z" in the Village at her Rainbow Parade.

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Sundaes with Mama

The rare amount of times Douglass & I are able to fly first class (thanks to rewards miles) I think of Mama & her one & only airplane flight. She never flew her entire life, but we made sure she was booked on a first class ticket to bring her with us from NYC to CA.

We were both worried that she might freak out & not do well on the flight. But we hadda plan, we kept her entertained the entire trip by singing & watching video clips of old musical numbers. When this didn't work, we'd plug her into our iPod, but the earplugs kept falling out & she'd curse & carry on... it was quite comical. She kept saying that she loved the flight & felt like the plane was hardly moving. She was in seventh heaven eating nonstop & lucky for us they served lasagna! But the biggest treat for Mama was when they rolled the ice cream cart down the aisle & she had a big custom made sundae. 

We remember this every time the ice cream cart rolls out in first class & think - this one's for you Mama!

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I'm Famous... I Love It !!!

During one of our nightly visits, Douglass & I talked to Mama about our blog. We explained (again) to Mama that people from all over the world enjoy reading about her & love her videos. We read her a few comments & showed her some of her videos that we posted on YouTube...

Vin: Mama, what do you think about that? Everybody loves you!

Mama: I love it! I guess I'm finally famous.

Douglass: Did you always want to be famous?

Mama: I don't know, but when I was younger I wanted to be a movie star.

Douglass: So what happened?

Mama: Ahhh, it was too late!(she sighs) I would imitate all the stars, I was a "Creepy Jeep". 

Vin: I never heard that word before. What's a "Creepy Jeep"?

Mama: Someone who doesn't know what she wants. So now you know what's a "Creepy Jeep".

Douglass: What do you think about the fact that some famous people are reading about you now?

Mama: Why would they be interested in me?

Vin: Don't you think that you're interesting?

Mama: Well I guess so. I have a beautiful career...

Vin: What? Whaddya mean a beautiful career? 

Mama: You said I was famous. So, everybody loves me - that's my career. I have a beautiful career!

Douglass: Yes you do & you know that everybody loves you.

Mama: So, famous people may read about me & I read about them & thats all there is to it. Most of them have mansions & I can't even have my spaghetti & meatballs. So much for being famous.

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Does Anyone Hear Me?

Mama is sitting by the nurses station near her room. Douglass & I can see her as we walk down the hallway for our nightly visit. She is sitting in her wheelchair & is around a few other residents. There doesn't seem to be much conversation, only the energy that surrounds the nurses station. We say our hellos & she smiles & looks happy for a moment...

Mama: Get me the hell out of here! They're all dead in this place.

Douglass: You wanna go out to the garden to get some air & play some cards?

Mama: Yeah, anyplace where there's some kind of life! (I roll my eyes)

We wheel her down the hall towards the elevator to go to the garden downstairs. We pass by a few ladies that are in the hallway & Mama waves to them.

Mama: Hello. Hello ladies. I said HELLO! (No response from either of the ladies, just blank stares). What the hell is wrong with them? They can't even say hello? They're a bunch of morons in this damn place - especially that one with the fat ass.

Vin: Ssshh, they can hear you! They're standing right there.

Mama: To hell with them, I want them to hear me.

We get in the elevator & Douglass & I wonder if it's going to be a good night or a bad night. We wheel her out into the garden & it's beautiful & sunny outside.

Mama: Look at the sky, it's gonna rain.

Vin: It's sunny & clear. 

Mama: It's gonna rain. My hands & legs are killing me, that means it's gonna rain.

Vin: Your hands & legs are always killing you & its not gonna rain.

Mama:(She burps loudly as she eats her Oreo). Ohhh, I'm sooo sorry, I'm such a pig. Oh my God, it's gonna rain tomorrow. Do you hear me?

Douglass: Yes Anna we hear you, everyone can hear you.(Douglass & I start to laugh).

Mama: Oh, good I got some laughs (she starts to laugh) hahahaa. I'm sooo funny, aren't I? 

Then without a pause, she knows she has her audience & starts singing... "I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain. My hands & legs are killing me, but I'm singing in the rain"... She continues to laugh hysterically.

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Mother's Day Memories of Mama

This is the first Mother's Day without Mama. We will be remembering our mothers. We'll be together... but alone. 

Douglass & I remember last Mother's Day & we laugh. We are lucky to have so many funny things that happened that didn't necessarily seem funny at the time, but do now.

It was tough to transport Mama from the nursing home & get her in the car so we could have her over for dinner. She was pretty much confined to the wheelchair, was overweight & needed both of us to get her in & out of the car. She would carry on & scream - scared & unable to stand on her own as we tried to maneuver her. We'd realize how silly the situation was & she'd start laughing hysterically & she would sometimes even wet herself. Okay, once I did too!

When we finally got her situated in the wheelchair, things got better, but then she'd constantly complain about her ass. "Oh, my ass is killing me, my ass is killing me". This would go on throughout the night. Once again, we had to crack up (no pun intended) because it was funny. 

If you receive the blog through email you may be unable to view the above video, so here's the YouTube link: http://youtu.be/VphxCw6XILU

From the moment we picked her up she'd say "thank God, you're here... I'm starving." The "I'm starving" would continue until we ate. She'd sing nonstop - you couldn't shut her up! She would have a song for almost anything that we talked about. She would often say "Okay, enough singing, I'm wearing myself out. Besides my ass hurts & I want some coffee & cake. When are you gonna take me back? Oh my God, I'm exhausted."

Ever since I can remember, Mama would drop her food. It would land on her, on the table, on the floor but she would still continue shoveling in the food. Mother's Day was no different!

We'd keep her busy after dinner by playing cards, watching old musicals & making phone calls to family. Sometimes she didn't want to bother making the calls, other times she'd be very eager to hear familiar voices. Eventually we'd give in to Mama & she'd finally devour her "coffee & cake".

This year there won't be any presents for Mama. There won't be any special pasta dinner for Mama. There won't be the nonstop laughing or singing. There won't be the total exhaustion Douglass & I felt when we'd collapse on the couch after bringing Mama back to the nursing home & put her to bed. This year we don't have Mama, but we do have our memories of Mother's Day.

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"I love you too, dear - but not that way"

When Mama lived at The Village Nursing Home in NYC, she had many friends. This was a big difference from The Rafael Home in CA, where she had very little social activity or friends. In NYC, besides her friends, even the visitors of other residents would stop by & say hello to Mama & she loved it! She especially enjoyed sitting outside on the bench (right on 12th Street) & watched the people passing by - it was quite a diverse group. Some of them would stop & chat with her as they walked their dogs, pushed their baby strollers or on their way home from work. Some of them even called her by her name, "Anna with a Z."

One of Mama's best friends at the Village Home was Joyce. Joyce had suffered a stroke & was wheelchair bound. She had great difficulty speaking, but remarkably Mama was able to understand her most of the time. Joyce was a big smoker & loved to go outside just like Mama. They had their spats, but they were inseparable. This is the first conversation I heard between them when I met Joyce while visiting Mama. Remembering this encounter always brings a smile to my face & reminds me that these two old gals always told it like it was.

Mama's Bench in NYC

Joyce: I'm a lesbian... well, I used to be.

Mama: That's nice, as long as you're happy.

Joyce: (pause) My daughter is a prostitute.

Mama: As long as she enjoys what she's doing & is good at it.

Joyce: (looking at me now) I LOVE your mother.(She reaches over to hold Mama's hand).

Mama: I love you too, dear - but not THAT way.(Mama gingerly pulled her hand away & patted Joyce on her knee.)

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Saying It Out Loud

I believe in being honest, sometimes a little too honest, but that's me. I'm not sure how to say this, maybe it's because I don't know if I've fully accepted it. The fact is that Mama, my best friend has died... there I said it! We all assumed Mama would die from Dementia, but a few months ago, a new disease crept into our lives called Myelodysplasia. I knew nothing about it, only that it's a form of leukemia Robin Roberts of ABC News had. She was much younger & fortunate to find a bone marrow donor. Mama was too old for that & chemo was not an option at her age. We only had one other alternative - blood transfusions. We'd call those days "transfusion confusion" that's what we'd tell Mama. She'd get confused going to the hospital so often for her transfusions, which were becoming more frequent. She'd say "Why do I need more damn blood? I have enough of my own. When are we gonna get the hell outta here? I'm hungry & my ass hurts!"

I've been avoiding saying it out loud - Mama is dead. You may have guessed from our last few posts, but I wasn't quite sure how to handle it & I needed to say it. As you know Douglass & I've been her caregivers for over ten years! The entire process has been surreal, but our daily ritual continues. We still check the phone for her calls, still check the time for our visits & still think we should be singing, playing cards, asking Mama questions & cursing with her to make her laugh. But, Mama is dead - her body is no longer with us & we are grieving.

I promised Mama that we'd continue with our blog. She loved performing for all of you & being interviewed. She particularly loved watching her videos & seeing her photos, she was always posing & sang along to her videos! We're sure it gave her another reason to keep going. We still have many of our conversations, videos, songs & photos that we'll continue to share.

Douglass & I will remain advocates for Alzheimer's & Dementia, but also for this disease which is new for us, Myelodysplasia. Please check out the site "Be the Match" for more info. 

Mama may have left her physical body which was failing her, but her energy is still very much alive. Her spirit, her sense of humor, her neurosis all still live thru me! Not a day goes by that I'm not in touch with her on some level. We always had a strong connection & she will continue to be our Dementia-Mama-Drama. She loved the attention, the recognition & showing others that we can still laugh & sing when everything seems unbearable. Mama, you are loved, you are missed & you are finally a star!

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"Good Night My Love"

I was feeling guilty that Douglass & I couldn't get back in time for our nightly visit with Mama. When she had the nurse call me (for the 2nd time) on my cell phone, I reminded her that we wouldn't be back in time to visit. Her tone became lighter & she started to sing me a song from one of her favorite performers, Shirley Temple.

”Goodnight my love, Your Mommy is kneeling beside you, Goodnight my Love, To dreamland the Sandman will guide you. Come now you sleepy head, Close your eyes go to bed. My precious sleepyhead, You mustn't play peek-a-boo..” (this went on for awhile - how does she remember these words?)

I listened as she finished the song & said thank you, Mama. I told her that it was a very nice rendition of the song. I love you & sorry we can’t be there tonight, but we’ll see you tomorrow. Thank you for being my best friend & making me smile (I was having a stressful night & she sensed it). I love you.

She said thank you. I love you too, my son.

I said goodnight Mama.

She said goodnight & repeated "you're going to see me tomorrow, right?"

I said of course Mama! Then I started to sing "Goodnight My Love" as tears welled up.

I knew that Mama was getting weaker & I wasn't sure how many more songs she had left in her. But she still was able to cheer me up & bring a smile to my face. I guess mothers always know what to do. 

If you receive the blog through email you may be unable to view the video, so here's the YouTube link: http://youtu.be/kO_MXoXJUCI


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