I woke up in a sweat startled from a terrifying nightmare. Believe it or not I still dream about Mama and sometimes the dreams are not always pleasant, this was one of them. Many times they are anxiety dreams that I didn't visit her or that I forgot to call her. Even though it's been years since Mama has passed, I still have these dreams and I know many caregivers probably do too. This particular dream was bizarre and disturbing.
Mama was in the hospital once again, but only this time there were many family members in the room around her bed. Spoiler alert, family never visited her in the hospital, and only rarely in the nursing home. Everyone was talking very loudly at the same time. They all wanted to tell me what I should be doing for Mama. It reminded me of our family holiday dinners around the table, but not in a good way! The distorted voices were chaotic and frenzied. All of their movements were in slow motion. I couldn't get a word in, which was very unusual for me. Nobody could hear me as I tried to speak. I screamed "I make the decisions, I'm the one that's always here. Where were you all when I needed you?" But no one heard. I jumped out of bed and realized it was a dream. I slowly tried to catch my breath as I wiped the sweat off of my face. I knew it was a nightmare, because in reality I made sure that my voice was always heard when it came to Mama. I know most caregivers try to listen to everyone, but believe in yourself and follow your instincts. No one knows your loved one like you do.
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