Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Remembering Mama's "Dance"

One of our most popular posts was about when I asked Mama "What's Dementia"? I thought it would be a good way to end the year remembering Mama and her special way of dancing around a question and ending with a song.

Mama and I always have had a strong bond and have always been honest with each other, we don't B.S. However, since Mama was diagnosed with Dementia... I was at a loss. Should I tell her? What do I say? How do I explain this? Did the doctor talk to her? What is the best way to talk someone I've always been honest with?

I asked Mama what she knew about Alzheimer's or Dementia. She didn't really want to talk about it. Her response was "I like what I am and that's it". Then she broke out singing to change the subject. I usually don't put her on the spot, but I just wanted her take on it during one of our nightly visits.

For those of you that can't view the video click on the link: "What is Dementia, Mama"?


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Wednesday, December 25, 2013

It's Christmas - I Wanna Go Home

Mama would always make up words to songs and still sound as if she knew what she was singing about... it was an art form.

Like many with Alzheimer's, Mama would repeatedly say "I wanna go home, I wanna go home." I'd tell her she sounded like Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz" and she'd laugh and we'd change the subject.

Seeming very appropriate, here is Mama doing one of her favorite takes on a Christmas classic, "I'll Be Home for Christmas". I know Mama would like you to listen to her, it's short. Take it away mama...


For those of you unable to view the above video, here's the link: Mama's "I'll Be Home"

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Monday, December 9, 2013

Mama & Her Christmas Music


Mama loved the holidays! Any excuse for a family get together... Easter, Thanksgiving or Christmas. This will be the first Christmas we won't be together and it won't be the same. I know she'll be enjoying herself up in Heaven with her family - cooking, eating, singing and playing cards.


The two of us were similar in many ways but very different in others. We both loved to sing especially show tunes or songs from old MGM Musicals. Mama also loved Christmas music, it cheered her up and she never got tired of it. I've always disliked Christmas music, it always depressed me and got me annoyed. Christmas music changed both of our moods - hers got better, mine got worse. 

This year I'll remember Mama and how she'd light up when she heard and sang those Christmas songs. Perhaps when I hear them from now on, I can smile and maybe even sing a long thinking of Mama and her love of the music.

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Friday, November 22, 2013

Let's Put On A Show...

Judy and Mickey
Mama loved old musicals, she'd be having a heck of a time if she saw how our show "Some of These Daze" was going. It reminds me of "Judy and Mickey" putting on a show together at MGM.

Douglass and I wrote a play about "Our Daily Dose of Dementia" and our life as caregivers for Mama. Our play was accepted into the Fringe Festival and we thought all we hadda do were a few rewrites, audition actors and co-direct. Well the Judy and Mickey show has turned into a Streisand project! 


We had our hands in everything. We did some rewrites, we had to play two of the roles, we co-directed, we gave our input for lighting, edited the sound and found the costumes. We borrowed the props and set, we designed the flyer and did all the "social media" to get the word out.

Everything's Coming Up Roses...
We're heading towards opening night, and can't help but wonder what Mama would be saying about this entire process if she were here. We're putting on a "Judy and Mickey" show and Mama loved them! We know she'd be having a ball throughout this whole process, she'd probably be singing along to her songs from the audience. She'd especially love this show, coz she's the star and it's all about her. And boy... she loved the attention!


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Thursday, October 31, 2013

A Star is Born... Finally!

Mama had me late in life. She would always talk about how long I made her suffer during labor. She carried me for nine long months and then endured twenty seven excruciating hours in the delivery room and finally gave birth to me. She enjoyed telling this story to anyone who would listen. It was the beginning of our story together and it explains a lot! 


It's been nine months since Mama has passed. Nine long months and many excruciatingly painful times for me, not in the delivery room, but in everyday living. This time Douglass and I gave birth... to a play called "Some of These Daze" and I enjoy telling the story to anyone who would listen.

Our play is based on our life as caregivers for Mama for over ten years. Ever since we started our blog Dementia-Mama-Drama, we've created a monster with Mama! She loved the attention and the fact that people were reading about her and watching our videos of her answering questions and singing.

Writing our play was a healing process for Douglass and me. We were able to continue our nightly visits with Mama. In a way it gave us more time with Mama to laugh, play cards, sing, complain for a little while longer. We hope we can help other caregivers that are going through their own drama with their loved by sharing our story. 

Mama always wanted to be in show business and finally A Star is Born! We know she's smiling down and excited that people are gonna see the inimitable "Anna with a Z". We'd like to think she was the angel that got our play accepted into The Fringe Festival

Rehearsals have started for the show. In the meantime, here's Mama performing her signature song "Some of These Daze". Music and humor got us through it all and that's what I choose to remember about Mama and I know that's what she'd want you to remember most too. 

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Monday, September 30, 2013

Out Guilting Sister Annunciata

Mama was always overprotective of me as a child. When I became her caregiver, I was the overprotective one.

I remember an incident that is typical of our relationship that took place while I was in grade school. We lived very close to the Catholic school I attended and I'd come home for lunch everyday.


One day I didn't come home and my mother went to the school to track me down. The principal told Mama that I must still be in the classroom. Mama madly marched up to my classroom. She was relieved to see me (of course she thought the worst) and was furious with the nun, Sister Annunciata. She demanded to know what had happened and why I was sitting in the classroom when I should be home eating lunch.

The nun said that some students were talking during class. When she asked the class who was talking I was the only one to raise my hand and tell the truth. My punishment was to stay in the classroom during lunchtime. This did not sit well with Mama... and she started her rant.

Sister Annunciata, you mean to tell me that since my son was the only one to tell the truth and not lie, you punish him by not sending him home to eat his lunch? You know how much he loves his food! And you punished me, scaring me half to death making me think my son died. Vincent, from now on you NEVER tell the truth, you LIE if you have to. If this is what telling the truth gets ya, it's a lot of baloney. Come home with me now, you're going to eat your lunch. And Sister, he may get back to school a little late. (Oh boy Mama was something - just like a pitbull, she didn't let go and really worked herself up). 

The nun tried calming Mama down saying that it isn't good to lie. She apologized for not calling to make Mama aware of the situation. Mama ignored the nun and won this round of Italian Catholic guilt. And I had a fabulous lunch taking my time eating, not rushing back and realizing that Mama out guilted the nun.

Mama has always been Mama Drama and has passed the genes onto me. In Mama's last few years there have been many times I behaved the same way to the doctors and nurses like Mama did to the nun. There's a little Mama Drama in all of us and it just goes to show you... somethings never change.

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Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Dementia Mama Never Forgot 9/11

I'm reposting this in memory of Mama and the anniversary of 9/11.

Even as a child I never lied to Mama. Okay maybe during the teenage years when I stayed out past my curfew or answered "no, I haven't been drinking." I've always told it like it was to both my parents... even after Mama was diagnosed with Dementia over ten years ago. When problems were going on in my life, when family members died or when something bad happened, I told Mama the truth. That's the way I did it.

9/11 was no different... I felt Mama had to be aware of the tragedy. It didn't matter on what level she'd get it, I thought it was important for her to know. After all she'd be seeing it on TV and in the papers. We lived downtown in NYC and The World Trade Center was not far from us and her Nursing Home. In the first few days we weren't even allowed to cross certain streets without showing ID's - that's how close we were.

On that horrendous morning right after the towers were hit, I ran over to get Mama. I wheeled her into the middle of the empty street so she could see and hear what was going on all around us. We were able to see the flames at the top of the burning buildings. She didn't seem that interested, she just wanted to eat pancakes, but the fact was that we were there together! We'd make our daily visits to the West Side Highway by the Hudson River to watch recovery workers head downtown as we joined the crowds cheering them on.

On the anniversary of September 11th, I'd ask Mama what she remembered about the day. Her answers varied, but usually she'd remember the flames, people walking in the empty streets with no cars. It's odd how certain things remained in her mind - even with Dementia. It brings new meaning to the slogan "Never Forget".



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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Do You Have My Number?

The phone rings earlier than usual. It's the nursing home calling and I start to think the worst. What's going on this time? Is everything alright? My heart starts to race as I take a few deep breaths, pick up the phone and say hello...

Mama: Hello, Vincent.

Vin: Hello, Mama. Are you alright?

Mama: Oh yeah, I'm fine. Do you have my phone number? I called because I wanna make sure you have my number.

Vin: Yes, of course I have your number. It's the same number you've had, it hasn't changed.

Mama: Okay, and you know where I am don't you? I'm at the hospital.

Vin: Of course I know where you are.

Mama: Will I be seeing you later?

Vin: Of course, Mama. I'll be seeing you after your dinner just like I do every night.

Mama: Well then, be careful coming over and watch the street when you cross. Oh, here comes the food, I gotta go! I gotta eat dinner now... I'm starving, I hope it's something good tonight. They serve a lot of crap in this place, oh good it looks like spaghetti. Bye bye dear.

I never know what's coming next whenever the phone rings and that's why I never shut my phone off. It's another part of our roller coaster ride that takes us up and then swoops us back down. It can make us cry and sometimes it just makes us all laugh. That's our daily dose of Dementia.

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Friday, August 16, 2013

Returning to Mama's Nursing Home... Something's Missing

My plan was to return to Mama's nursing home on the six month anniversary of her passing... it didn't happen! I've been putting off the visit for awhile and couldn't understand why I was unable to do it. I thought I'd given myself enough time.

Douglass and I wanted to spread some of her ashes at the nursing home since it was one of the few places we hadn't done it yet. Maybe it was the pressure of the final "letting go" or the panic attacks I felt on the sixth month anniversary, but I just couldn't do it. Once I realized that, I was somewhat relieved and felt less pressure. When the time was right, we would do it and not before.

Well, tonight we did it! We drove over with Mama's ashes while taking many deep breaths. We brought the camera and the iPad (just like in the old days) and wanted to keep a low profile. I wasn't sure if I was ready to deal with seeing anyone... baby steps please. Today was also meaningful for Douglass and me because we'd just submitted our script about Mama and tonight felt like the right time to return to the nursing home.

We drove up and parked in the familiar parking lot. The nursing home appeared the same... almost. Tonight it lacked even more life than I remember and there was even less energy. Like Mama would always say "this place is dead". The garden that Mama enjoyed and that we spent so many hours singing and playing cards seemed truly dead. Something was missing... I felt it was Mama's energy!

I spread some of her ashes around the garden that she loved so much during our nightly visits. Douglass and I thought about playing cards... but instead we sat in silence and took in the moment. Unexpectedly one of the head nurses saw us and came out to say hello. She was surprised and truly happy to see us. The night was very emotional, but we did it! We finally did it! Closure... party of two.

Mama was in the garden again even if it wasn't in technicolor and full of our laughter and singing. Our return brought back many memories and it was a big relief. Maybe this was our way of letting Mama know that the script was done and she was "ready for her close-up."

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Saturday, July 27, 2013

Million Dollar Mama

Douglass: Anna what would you do if you won a million dollars from the lottery?

Mama: Oh boy... If I won a million dollars, I'd go to the Bahamas & lay on the beach in my bikini. Little Annie in her bikini, hahaha - whatta sight! (she starts laughing)

Mama & Her Bikini
Vin: What color bikini?

Mama: Just a plain purple bikini. I'd go right in the water, but I don't swim, so I wouldn't go too deep.

Douglass: What about Vin. Did he like to swim as a child?

Mama: Oh yeah, he always liked the water, he'd run into the water. I would tell him to take swimming lessons, I'd say why don't you learn how to swim? I said swim, swim, swim... but he never did.

Vin: You never said swim, swim, swim. You'd scream "Vincent get away from the water! Be careful you could drown". I remember you made me afraid of the water as a child. I was terrified! Now you say I should've taken swimming lessons?

Mama: Well Vincent, since when did you listen to your mother?


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Thursday, July 11, 2013

Mama & Her "Sunny Side"

It feels so weird that I don't have to check in with Mama. Whenever I would be out of town, I would give my nightly call to check in & say goodnight. Often she would call back a few times forgetting that we already spoke.


The phone doesn't ring as much anymore & I miss that. But more importantly... I miss Mama. There are a ton of conflicting feelings as a result. It's freeing yet I feel guilty, lonely & sad all at the same time.

She was always there for me & knew when I wasn't having a good day. I could confide in her & she knew she hadda come thru as "Mama". She'd always make an attempt to make me smile & lighten up my mood. Mama would start singing some old song like "Keep Your Sunny Side Up". It was sweet & funny & magically made everything seem better.



If you  receive the blog through eMail you may be unable to view the above video, so here;s the YouTube link: http://youtu.be/JbswwSjX2XA

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Sunday, June 30, 2013

Mama Loved Her Rainbow Parade

Douglass & I are back "home" in NYC for a visit. It's Gay Pride & we pass by the nursing home where Mama lived before we all moved to California. We remember how much Mama loved her "Rainbow Parade."

It didn't matter to Mama about Gay, Straight or whatever (she was definitely ahead of her time). She just loved the fact that she was able to sit on the bench outside of the nursing home & be entertained all day long. She enjoyed the parade & those that passed by gave Mama some extra attention because she was having so much fun. She'd recall the time when a bunch of men dressed as nurses sat with her on her bench & kept her laughing until she wet herself! 

Not too much phased Mama - we were ALL the same to her. One year during Pride we took Mama to a lesbian restaurant for brunch that was nearby. After we got seated & started eating, Douglass asked her if she knew that she was eating at a famous lesbian hangout... her response was "it's all the same shit. Who gives a damn? I love the french toast here". 

As Pride unfolds all around us this year & DOMA is repealed, we remember the fun times with "Anna with a Z" in the Village at her Rainbow Parade.

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Sunday, June 23, 2013

Sundaes with Mama

The rare amount of times Douglass & I are able to fly first class (thanks to rewards miles) I think of Mama & her one & only airplane flight. She never flew her entire life, but we made sure she was booked on a first class ticket to bring her with us from NYC to CA.


We were both worried that she might freak out & not do well on the flight. But we hadda plan, we kept her entertained the entire trip by singing & watching video clips of old musical numbers. When this didn't work, we'd plug her into our iPod, but the earplugs kept falling out & she'd curse & carry on... it was quite comical. She kept saying that she loved the flight & felt like the plane was hardly moving. She was in seventh heaven eating nonstop & lucky for us they served lasagna! But the biggest treat for Mama was when they rolled the ice cream cart down the aisle & she had a big custom made sundae. 

We remember this every time the ice cream cart rolls out in first class & think - this one's for you Mama!

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Friday, May 31, 2013

I'm Famous... I Love It !!!

During one of our nightly visits, Douglass & I talked to Mama about our blog. We explained (again) to Mama that people from all over the world enjoy reading about her & love her videos. We read her a few comments & showed her some of her videos that we posted on YouTube...

Vin: Mama, what do you think about that? Everybody loves you!

Mama: I love it! I guess I'm finally famous.

Douglass: Did you always want to be famous?

Mama: I don't know, but when I was younger I wanted to be a movie star.

Douglass: So what happened?

Mama: Ahhh, it was too late!(she sighs) I would imitate all the stars, I was a "Creepy Jeep". 

Vin: I never heard that word before. What's a "Creepy Jeep"?

Mama: Someone who doesn't know what she wants. So now you know what's a "Creepy Jeep".

Douglass: What do you think about the fact that some famous people are reading about you now?

Mama: Why would they be interested in me?

Vin: Don't you think that you're interesting?

Mama: Well I guess so. I have a beautiful career...

Vin: What? Whaddya mean a beautiful career? 

Mama: You said I was famous. So, everybody loves me - that's my career. I have a beautiful career!

Douglass: Yes you do & you know that everybody loves you.

Mama: So, famous people may read about me & I read about them & thats all there is to it. Most of them have mansions & I can't even have my spaghetti & meatballs. So much for being famous.
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Saturday, May 25, 2013

Does Anyone Hear Me?

Mama is sitting by the nurses station near her room. Douglass & I can see her as we walk down the hallway for our nightly visit. She is sitting in her wheelchair & is around a few other residents. There doesn't seem to be much conversation, only the energy that surrounds the nurses station. We say our hellos & she smiles & looks happy for a moment...

Mama: Get me the hell out of here! They're all dead in this place.

Douglass: You wanna go out to the garden to get some air & play some cards?

Mama: Yeah, anyplace where there's some kind of life! (I roll my eyes)

We wheel her down the hall towards the elevator to go to the garden downstairs. We pass by a few ladies that are in the hallway & Mama waves to them.

Mama: Hello. Hello ladies. I said HELLO! (No response from either of the ladies, just blank stares)
What the hell is wrong with them? They can't even say hello? They're a bunch of morons in this damn place - especially that one with the fat ass.


Vin: Ssshh, they can hear you! They're standing right there.

Mama: To hell with them, I want them to hear me.


We get in the elevator & Douglass & I wonder if it's going to be a good night or a bad night. We wheel her out into the garden & it's beautiful & sunny outside.



Mama: Look at the sky, it's gonna rain.

Vin: It's sunny & clear. 


Mama: It's gonna rain. My hands & legs are killing me, that means it's gonna rain.

Vin: Your hands & legs are always killing you & its not gonna rain.


Mama:(She burps loudly as she eats her Oreo). Ohhh, I'm sooo sorry, I'm such a pig. Oh my God, it's gonna rain tomorrow. Do you hear me?

Douglass: Yes Anna we hear you, everyone can hear you.(Douglass & I start to laugh).

Mama: Oh, good I got some laughs (she starts to laugh) hahahaa. I'm sooo funny, aren't I? 


Then without a pause, she knows she has her audience & starts singing... 
"I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain. My hands & legs are killing me, but I'm singing in the rain"... She continues to laugh hysterically.


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