Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Over the Rainbow

How many times can you say good bye to a loved one? The answer for me was many times & it didn't get any easier. Sure some days I would say "Mama if you wanna die, then just die... it's okay." But then other days I'd repeat the things that "should" be said to help her ease on down the yellow brick road & go over the rainbow.

Mama & I said our goodbyes many times. 
We strolled down memory lane so many times that it needs repaving. We talked about going to the light so often, that we needed a new lightbulb. We went thru the entire list of people she missed, & it's a long one (after all, she did come from a family of thirteen.) I reassured her that she would see them again & would be at peace. I repeatedly said to her that she didn't have to worry about me & it's okay to let go. "Let go, go towards the light." It seems so cliché, but no one ever said it doesn't work!

But was I ready to "let go?" Her final curtain forces me to face my mortality & question who is going to be my advocate in the end? In the past, I knew I'd survive anything because my job was to take care of Mama, so I HAD to survive. What happens to me now? I've become sad, scared & vulnerable.

Since moving to Suburbia, Mama became my only true friend. I feel odd saying that, but it's the truth! We continued saying our goodbyes & helped Mama with her transition "somewhere over the rainbow", where her "happy days are here again." Now I take it day by day & will make the most of our memories. Unlike Mama, I can recall most of them & will continue to share them with you on our blog. The difficult part for me now will be my transition of life without Mama. 

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